Falling Back... Into a Rut

i've hit somewhat of a low point and stayed there for a few weeks. a lot of its academic related, i'm worried about my grades and am definitely not doing well in some of my classes. its not for lack of effort, i'm working day and night and don't go out anymore... it seems kinda unhealthy. then i'm worried about my mom, we're losing the house in about a month and a half and she sounds really down about it. i try to help, but between being 400+ miles away and busy as hell, there's really not much i can do.

but a big part of this whole thing (the other parts are kinda constants in my life that i'm more-or-less used to) is this girl. i fucked things up and i don't know if there's any way to fix what i've broken. some days i get the vibe that she wants nothing to do with me, and that hurts. we were friends, she trusted me, when she was scared and having medical issues it was me she talked to.

then a few weeks ago we went on a field trip to a project near burbank. afterwards we hung out for a while before i walked her to her car in the pouring rain (something we did almost everyday). i had had a small crush on her for a while, and why the hell not: she's smart, hella cool personality, attractive, and we were friends (and i was pretty sure i hadn't been friend-zoned yet). so we climbed to the fourth story of the parking garage and were about to hug goodbye when i said, "you know, i'd really like to take you out for coffee or to get something to eat sometimes this week, if that's cool with you."

"oh, really?" she asked. "you know there's someone else, right?"

"oh, my bad, nevermind then, i don't wanna cause shit for you."

"no, no, we should really go out, he and i aren't together."

"you sure? as i said, i don't wanna cause shit for you, you know." she assured me that she really did wanna go out. and although i didn't like the fact that there was another guy around, i could put up with it temporarily. i knew there had been a guy, and i knew he'd given her a lot of shit, and when she said "someone else" i knew she was talking about him. so i figured i'd take her out a few times, treat her right and show her what dating a non-issues person was like.

so i was feeling alright, not on top of the world (cuz of this other guy) but still pretty alright. then came the next day. i had pulled an all nighter and looked like shit the next day in lecture. at the end of class she came up to me, "hey can i talk to you for a minute?" the word shit immediately ran through my mind. she said she had thought about it and changed her mind, apparently the guy she has a thing with gets really pissed when she even hangs out with guy friends, nontheless goes on dates with other people. i told her it was all good and not to worry about it.

since then she's gotten kinda distant. i called her last night to ask about a project due today and she had clearly been crying. "hey, you alright? you sound kinda..." she said she was and was kinda cold to me. and then today she came to lab looking pretty fucked up and again didn't seem to wanna talk at all. i was starting to feel kinda okish again before last night, but i dunno, this whole thing is fucking me up again.

admittedly i still like this girl even though i've tried to kill it. and i can accept it if she doesn't wanna go out or whatnot, it just sucks like a hooker on a payday that i might be losing a friend outta all this. a few weeks ago anything that made her upset enough to be crying she would have confided in me about, but i guess those days are over.

Greatly Discouraged

i am really fucking tired right now: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

i got one hour of sleep last night after barely sleeping all week. this is mostly because i have a lot of work this week, which would be fine, but i just don't feel competant. my chem class is killing me and one of my major classes is pretty intense too, especially since its a graphics class and i suck at drawing. i know i've said this before, but i'm really doubting that i should be in school. i think i was put in this world to work, not to think critically. i honestly feel so fucking stupid a lot of the time. i decided tonight i'm gonna keep busting my ass off and trying the rest of this quarter, but if i fail any of my classes, i'm quitting school. i have career options outside of getting a college degree, granted they aren't the greatest, but options nontheless. and even if i do stay in school i don't totally know what i want anymore. i wanna keep with my major, but i'm considering going to grad school for forestry instead of landscape architecture.

aside from academics, things are kinda fucked up in other aspects of my life. i got screwed over again today and i guess i'm just being bitchy cuz of the disappointment. but yea, every fucking time its a self esteem crusher. i'm just sad more than anything else right now, maybe moreso this time cuz its kinda complex.

overall i just feel like a fuck up: i'm so fucking stupid i don't know that i belong here, i've probably permanently fucked up my body from the past few years of sleeplessness, drinking, and physically working too much, and i just don't possess any redeeming qualities. some days i feel like going back to therapy drinking, even when i don't have physical cravings. and then when i think about that i feel like a useless gutter drunk. i guess i've fucked myself up, i deserve whatever bad luck, rejection, and failure that comes my way.

how the hell do i wind up taking care of other people a lot when i've let myself go this much? sorry random thought. well, i have shitloads to do in the next several hours and i don't plan on sleeping tonight, so i shall rant another time.

People That Worry Me

• You: I know you're not this stupid, but I really don't get it. You keep playing with the same toxic fire that burns you and every time I'm there to help pick up the pieces. The last time I was honestly kinda scared to help you because it made me look really bad, the nurses were giving me dirty looks and I feel lucky that I didn't have to answer to any cops about it. And I didn't even do anything (well other than take care of you and pay the pharmacy bill). Also, finish one pie before you start eating another, I keep telling you this and you always claim you're listening and you will, but you're clearly not. I can't help you if you won't even take care of yourself on a basic level.
• You: You're another person who I know isn't as retarded as they're acting. I'm there for the tears and whatever else, but then you alienate me and keep making the same simple stupid mistakes. That's another thing, you hide stuff from me now, and that really fucking hurts. wtf happened? At one point there were a lot of people who were pissed off at you and I would always just defend you and worry about you, but sometimes I honestly feel like you treat me like shit.
• You: Madre I try to help you as much as I can from 400 miles away, but I just can't take care of everything. Back in high school I was there and could micromanage everything and I just can't anymore, you don't know what kind of guilt this leaves me with. And even now when I do take care of stuff, you won't take all the help I'm trying to give you. Last week I tried to talk you into a great opportunity, one that would've given you enough money to at least make things run smoothly for a few months. If you worked it right it wouldn't even be illegal, and you wouldn't have even had to work anything, just take the receipt and see the payout in a few months, one of my buddies and I would take care of the dirty work. And it wasn't about any kind of vengence, its called making sure that my mother is taken care of.
• You: I feel really bad for you right now and I know I can't always be there and that's why I'm not being that hard on you. But seriously dude, the drinking worries me. You know about my former problem and as much as I warn you you're doing the same thing that I used to. Cuz honestly, the fun and games will stop when you have liver pains, poor diet, and feeling sick on a daily basis to deal with. Oh yea, and you DUIed the other night, wtf? As I told you that night on the phone, I'll bail your ass outta jail if it ever comes to that, but I'd rather just avoid the problem altogether.
• You: I'm sick of your shit, I wash my hands of whatever happens at this point.

P.S. I realize that some people will probably be pissed off after reading this, and that is fine. If you have any issues say it to my face and don't bring anyone else in the mix. I wrote this discretely enough that none of you will recognize each other's shit.

2009: A Year in the Saga

of my life. this year has been pretty fucking monumental for me, in both good and bad ways, definitely one of the most dramatic i've ever had.

January

• piss of hella people and suddenly have a lot of people at school hate me. i was initially pretty upset and therapy drank A LOT over this.
• get in a huge fight with my mom and consider living away from home for a while.
• lend a lot of money to help a close friend get his son outta legal trouble.
• start a really awesome arboriculture class at las positas.

February

• win $100 on the superbowl while getting way too drunk and getting myself into some trouble. my friend covers and someone tries to convince me to marry his 21 year old daughter.
• i stop caring that a lot of people hate me and start finding it amusing, things start looking up.
• realize there's not much time left in high school and start to treasure every moment.

March

• sadie's and junior prom, both fun and memorable nights.
• start to suspect i might have a drinking problem after a couple regreattble incidents and a couple people beg me to drink less. i temporarily give up alcohol.

April

• work my magic and have a damn good weekend that led to an amazing period of time in my life.
• santa cruz :), that's all i have to say about that.

May

• senior ball, grad night and graduation. great experiences, yet all a rapid blur.
• actually graduate from high school knowing that i will go on to college. this was big for me. for a lot of high school i thought i would quit and start working fulltime after graduation.
• bubbles, haha.

June

• get caught and let off the hook by the fremont police, if there is a god i owe him one.

July

• insane three day hotel party. smoke mexican purple for the first time (i had already smoked other strands). smoke mexican purple again and have the weirdest, but funnest trip out ever: vikings, zebra gods, and a magical elephant, what more could you want?
• go to the hospital twice in a week. one for glass in my foot, once because i thought i rebroke my nose.
• have a little fun while the madre was out of town.
• july 30th: most life changing experience i've ever had. i realize life will never be the same again, yet only more beautiful and amazing.

August

• major disappointment which leads to major therapy drinking.
• go on a destructive five day binge that ends because of an intervention by a good friend. i permanently quit therapy drinking august 18th after taking four brandy shots as i get outta bed at 4:30 AM. my liver finally quits hurting a day and a half later.
• turn 18, try to ignore the fact that i know my girlfriend and i are going to break up the next day. we do. its really hard not to therapy drink.

September

• i discover why treasure island is such an awesome place, haha. you can get away with anything there at night :).
• recieve a bbq in my honor from my coworkers and bosses. i realize how much i honestly care about these people and how much i'm going to miss them in college.
• start college, meet a lot of really awesome people, and a few not so cool people including one of my roommates.

October

• find out my mom's gonna lose the house. i feel helpless as i'm financially poorer and farther away than i've ever been and can no longer take care of my family in the same way as i used to.
• find out an old friend is dying.
• crazy party. i meet a cool girl who becomes a good friend, someone gets shot, we all almost get arrested.
• halloween. hella fun night that ends with me sleeping on the couch of some people i didn't meet until the next morning. my friend marc and i know how to live it up, haha.

November

• go home for my grandma's 90th birthday. have a heart-to-heart with my oldest sister on the drive up.
• thanksgiving. stfu, i just really like thanksgiving, ok?
• visit someone and realize that shit will never be the same and i need to just keep looking forward. make peace with that.

December

• get hella burned by this one girl.
• have the girl i met in october stay with me in the bay for a couple days. it was nice.
• have some shady shit go down and collect on some old debt in case i need money to pay my way out. realize i still have morals.
• visit ron's family and realize how much these people mean to me. help break up a huge fight that had the potential to turn really ugly.
• try to help out a friend who's fiance just left him.

Shady Shit and Morals

last thursday night was interesting to say the least. it left me feeling REALLY good well into friday until i slept it all off, but it also left me with a choice.

that night i met up with a guy who i met over the summer while drinking at a friend's house. some shady shit went down after i started to lose coherance, this time not from alcohol. long story short i was presented with an impressive money making opportunity, and by money making i mean $1000+ ongoing payments. and this wasn't the type of income you pay taxes on.

i have no problem with things that are illegal, but i did have some moral reservations about this scheme. for a few days i was really up in the air about the whole thing, i could REALLY use the money - between my education and trying to help support my mom i would definitely know how to use it - but i'd also feel like a horrible person if i accepted the offer. it wasn't until monday night that i eventually decided there was no way i could do this. i had been taking shady calls at all hours over the weekend and was constantly on guard because of this whole thing and it just didn't feel right.

three days have passed since i made my decision, but i haven't told the guy i'm out of the scheme yet, i may see him saturday and i don't particularly look forward to that... i just hope he's not hella pissed.